I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
