That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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