my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
BRING THE BAGELS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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