Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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