His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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