My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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