Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
