Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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