My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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