hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
