She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
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Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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