Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
