i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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