I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Mom said you looked used
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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