My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
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Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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