Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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