weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend