I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
