Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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