I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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