And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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