There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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