Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
