you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
