I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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