using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You ruined the universe
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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