i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
