did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
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Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
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Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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