after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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