I met the friendliest cop last night
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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