mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
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i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
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I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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