their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
