I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
