if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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