i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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