Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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