All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize