The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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