I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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