She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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