yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
