You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
