Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
