Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
