I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
