god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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