Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
