so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
