From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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