I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize