You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was not drunk enough for that final.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
