We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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