Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
