I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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