Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
