We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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